Wednesday, October 3, 2012

A Honest Admission...

“I don’t know if God even wants me to do this anymore.”

The tears rolled down my face as I cried pathetically on the couch. Mom sat nearby and Dad was seated in the rocking chair across the way, both listening to me unload the heavy weight which had been burdening my heart. I was confused. I was upset at myself. I felt pressured. I was discouraged.

The website I had begun at age 14 was in shambles and sadly neglected. I had been desiring to redesign it, to relaunch it with fresh vision, but there it sat for several years. Good friends would give gentle, yet persistent reminders, “Hey, how’s Godly Girlhood coming?” People would come up to our CD table and grab my business card, while I would sheepishly explain that it was still in the works. And every once in a while I’d visit the site and say, “Oh, I should do something!”

But the “something” I kept striving for wasn't really what it was meant to be. God’s plans have been different from mine.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Milk Chocolate Love or Nursing Home Love?

"So, do you have any big plans for tomorrow?"

Mom and I looked at each other.  What was tomorrow?  Oh.  Valentine's Day.  We turned back to the banker.  "No, not really."

The older I get, the more prone I am to forget this holiday.  Years ago you would have found me making Valentines for all the kids in my kindergarten class (at least my "friends" - definitely not Joshua the bully!).  Then several years later, I'd be handing out Valentines to the kids in my homeschool co-op class (and especially treasuring that one I received from that certain boy).  Then came the Valentine's Day when everyone was sick with influenza except Mom, Dad, and I, and I learned much about sacrificial love!

Three years ago?  Wishing for a rose someday.  Two years ago?  Feeling a little left out.  Last year?  Too busy with a concert to really care.

And then, this year:  I've almost forgot.

We saw a sign yesterday which stated boldly, "Roses + chocolate = love."  Hmm...perhaps that's the reason I could really care less about this holiday and why I'm tempted to kiss Valentine's Day goodbye once and for all.  Love.

Well, not true love.  It's the milk chocolate love I'm talking about.  The love which comes stuffed among a bouquet of flowers.  The love scrawled underneath a cheesy Valentine.  The sweet-heart candy love.  It's so cliche.  It's so...fluffy.

Okay.  I should admit, I wouldn't mind a bit of fluffy love someday from that special someone.  Really.  But, that's not true love.

True love is the nitty-gritty side of marriage, of families, of friendships.  True love is the something that will hold you through the battle.  True love goes much, much deeper than "I love you."

This Sunday as our family was leaving church, my brother stopped to ask an elderly lady how she was doing.  Her husband was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, among all his other numerous health problems.  It's been a difficult ride for her and her family.  Her response to Ben's question was, "I'm sticking in there."

That's true love.  Sticking in there.

Take Harold for example, the ninety-something year old man who attends our church.  His wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago and fears him at times, and then has bursts of anger sometimes when he visits her.  Same thing with Bruce...except his wife doesn't even know him anymore.

Both are sticking in there.  That's true love.

I don't think flowers are really going to demonstrate how much these people love their spouses.  Their presence, their concern, their prayers, their dedicated daily care...these might somewhat reveal how deep their love goes.  

So, do you love like that?  Or is your love a milk chocolate love?

You may not be married (unlike the people above, and very much like me), but you probably have family.  Dad.  Mom.  Siblings.  Is your love toward them a milk chocolate love, or is it a nursing home love?  Is it going to stick in there when the going gets tough, or will it just melt away?  How about toward your friends?

True love is sacrificial.  True love is forgiving.  True love is faithful.

And you know what, to me, true love looks like a Savior dying, bloodied, broken, and bruised, stretched across a tree.  True love looks like a Redeemer stepping out of His grave clothes and proclaiming victory over death, sin, and the devil.  True love looks like a book covered with blood, blotting out the records of times I haven't had true love.

That's true love.

Though I'm tempted to altogether kiss Valentine's Day goodbye, I'm choosing to really consider my love, to evaluate what kind of love it is - fluffy milk chocolate love, or sacrificial nursing home love?  Is my love as shallow as the world's, or it's like my Lord's?

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
(1 John 4:10-11 ESV)  

Happy Valentine's Day.

In HIS Love,

P.S. You may have noticed the lack of posts here; I have too!  :)  I have been concentrating on re-building Godly Girlhood and writing series for the new site.  If you'd like to follow the progress, head on over to  I will be putting a more concentrated effort on Godly Girlhood than Surrendering My All, so if the frequency of posting decreases here, don't worry, but head on over to GG.